LISTEN TO HER HEARTBEAT by Annie McDonnell

My friend, Jennifer Goff, was murdered at the age of 12 by a neighbor who was stalking both of us. We told plenty of adults, including our parents, that we were terrified of our neighbor, but no one listened. Instead, we were told repeatedly: “He is our neighbor. Why would he hurt you?”

Our gut instincts told us otherwise but our pleas for help and protection fell on deaf ears.

On true crime shows, you will often hear statements like these:

“Our neighborhood is safe.
We don’t even have to lock our doors.
Things like this don’t happen here.
He was quiet and kept to himself, but we never suspected he could do something like this.”

If you get a bad feeling about someone, listen to your gut. If your child or a young person you know expresses any negative reaction about a person, listen and take the appropriate action. Kidnapping, molestation, murder, and other crimes are more often committed by a neighbor, relative, or someone you know rather than a stranger.

If your child comes to you and says someone is giving them a bad feeling, please listen to them. That may mean cutting all ties with someone, who was formerly close to you, but at least you and those you love will be safe.

Jennifer’s rapist and murderer remains in prison in New York. Every time he comes up for parole, I serve as Jennifer’s voice to ensure he stays incarcerated. Much of my memoir, Annie’s Song: Dandelions, Dreams and Dogs {Lucid House Publishing 2023 }is devoted to my memories of her. Here’s an excerpt:

Jennifer’s Heartbeat

(To be read with Tchaikovsky, Symphony 6, Movement 4, “Karajan” – an assignment by Diane Zinna of Grief Writing Sunday)

My name is Jennifer, and this is the song of my heartbeat during my last hour here on earth.

I am an Irish dancer, so everything I do is in steps of eight, just like the music I play on my violin. I am also a cross country runner. I do the same thing when I run, constant counts of eight in my head. But there is no torture ever in it. This is all about love. It’s the beat of my heart.

There is plenty of torture and screaming and yelling and pain and blood and scratches in my last hour. All fast, loud. powerful beats of eight. All of them hurt. All make me cry. All of them want to be heard. But no one is listening. No one ever did.

I can’t slow him down!!

Bobby is the loudest, most painful music I’ve ever heard. I have always tried to be soft, lovable music everyone loved to hear.

What is this? I don’t like it. This is too painful. This is not fair.

His sound is going to kill me, isn’t it? This is not music.

He’s making me become that same loud painful growl begging to be heard! Is anyone listening? We are both becoming very loud.

Let me back up, so you know how I got here:

I had just gone Christmas shopping, and it was so much fun. I was walking home from the mall. I was so happy. I just passed Annie’s house. We are best friends. I love her. Have I told her this?

Then, I felt him behind me. Me and my best friend could always feel him. We didn’t have to see him to know he was there. We would turn around, and his eyes were like that of a wolf, staring at us, like we were his prey. We were in big trouble. We knew it. No one was listening.

I started to run, counts of eight! Only think positive. I will get home.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8….I repeated this three times until he caught up with me and he pounded my head with a rock.

Then. Nothing.

There was just darkness, and I don’t know for how long. Black. I was passed out. Dreaming. My mind tried to be my safety net.

My wedding day. I was so glorious. I had on a lacy white dress at the church, and my dad was walking me down the aisle. I could see my best friend at the end of the aisle, but I couldn’t see who I was marrying.

I could see all the people who loved me. I counted my steps. 1,2,3…1,2,3. The music was like a lullaby. Was I awake? Was I asleep? Was I dead?

I can’t see who I am marrying. I am walking closer and closer with loving heartfelt steps. I am happy here. I don’t want to leave.

Oh no! I was dreaming. I am waking up!

I feel like I woke up so quickly! Sudden inhale of a deep breath. Bobby is on top of me. I am naked. What is Bobby doing? I don’t understand! I’m so scared! This really hurts.

I am naked! This hurts!

That screaming! That scratching! The music is getting louder! Elevating! I’m scratching Bobby’s face. The beats of eight for the music are all colliding; they’re banging into one another!

Nothing is making sense.

I’m begging Bobby to stop!! It’s because it hurts! It’s because I’m scared! It’s because I was only supposed to do this with my husband! I hate him! It’s because I’m so confused!

Why is Bobby doing this to me! Why is Bobby still on top of me!

Why can’t anyone hear me screaming for help!

Bobby is not looking at me anymore.

I think it’s over, but it’s not.

My last crescendo! I scream as loud as I can.

Bobby wraps my belt around my neck.

I must now give in. I try to just think of my family and friends, the music beats are getting softer…or are they going backwards? I don’t know?

The music is so soft.

I don’t think I’m thinking straight! Where is my best friend? Why isn’t she helping? Where is my family??

I can’t scream anymore.

The music stops.

I can’t tell what’s happening. Can you tell me? Can anyone tell me what’s happening?

It is over.

I’m only 12.

Epilogue ~ No one can save me now. But, that wolf is now in a cage.

-The End.

I hope Jennifer’s Voice will sing loud in your ear. Finally, be wary of anyone who makes you feel unsafe and to stay away. If you feel something, say something. Find someone you can trust.

Be heard. Stay safe.

Annie McDonnell’s debut memoir Annie’s Song hit the top of Amazon lists in several categories, including Memoirs by Authors with Disabilities and Poetry: Death, Grief, Bereavement; even Irish author in Canada.

I recently spoke with Lieutenant Colonel (Retired) Brinn Colenda, a graduate of the United States Air Force Academy and a North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) alum, working to combat sex trafficking all over the world. Here’s what he wrote to me:
“The United States is the #1 market for sex trafficking in the world. It is also the #1 user of child pornography in the world.

“Trafficking can happen to people of all ages and genders, and to any race or religious affiliation. Trafficked victims are overwhelmingly mid-teen females—in the U.S., generally white or black—and are used in the sex trade. Boys are a little younger, tend to be Asian or Hispanic, and mostly forced into trade jobs like agriculture or manufacturing. Younger boys are sometimes sex trafficked.
“The State Department estimates that between 15,000 and 50,000 women are imported each year for sex purposes. Two-thirds of trafficking victims in the U.S. are American citizens (some say higher). Most vulnerable victims are from single-family homes. Especially vulnerable are homeless, runaways, displaced, or homeless people.

“Trafficking is not always an underground crime. Victims go to restaurants, schools, sporting events. More than half of the survivors of trafficking reported that they attended school at some point during their exploitation.
“The majority of buyers are male, as are most of the recruiters. How do people get lured into sex trafficking? They are recruited and groomed. Recruiters are sophisticated, tech-savvy, and patient. They monitor social media like Instagram and Tik Tok looking for disaffected youths who post laments about how unhappy they are; how they hate their parents; hate school; hate their lives, etc. Recruiters contact these kids and are soothing, sympathetic, and less judgmental than parents and relatives. They create an atmosphere of understanding, possibly romance. They meet the victim in person and take them to restaurants, maybe give gifts of clothes or electronics, basically spoil them to create a bond. The young person feels appreciated, less like a child.
“The recruiter will lure the victim into running away together or go somewhere where he can simply kidnap them.

“Often the groomers are somebody the victim knows already–a relative or a family member.”

Indicators to parents or guardians that their child is being recruited:

• Have unexplained cash, jewelry, purses, or expensive clothing.
• Changes in behavior, too much time in their room on the Internet.
• Have a fake ID.
• Say they are modeling or have a new older boyfriend.
• Exhibit new behavior patterns like uncharacteristic promiscuous behavior or references in person or on social media.
• A decline in grades at school.

Indications to a community/neighborhood:
• Women/girls inappropriately dressed for their age or weather—e.g. minors who should be in school, or out especially late at night.

Warnings for pre-teens and teens:
• Be careful what you post on social media.
• Be leery of strangers and strangers who hang around parks or teen favorite hangouts, sometimes offering gifts. Especially avoid the “too perfect” types who steer you into divulging lots of personal information; who seem to know a lot about you and tend to agree with you a lot. And those on social media who want to arrange a secret meeting in person.

Help and information is all over the Internet.

Here are a few organizations to contact for more info:

The most obvious are the local police and state police, the FBI (much of trafficking occurs across state lines), and the Department of Homeland Security. Do not put yourself in danger—let the professionals handle it.

US National Human Trafficking Hotline 1-888-373-7888

National Center for Missing and Exploited Children https://www.missingkids.org/home

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore started an online company, Thorn, to combat online recruiting and sales. He testified before Congress about the dangers of sex trafficking. YouTube video available.

Brinn Colenda has authored several fiction books, primarily about military families and the stresses they face. Thank you, Brinn, for your expert contribution: http://www.brinncolenda.org/